Closer to closure

The other night my three year old son crept into bed with me after having a nightmare. He snuggles up next to me, I hold him tight and I kiss him on the forehead to give him reassurance that he was safe. This is normal, right? But then moments later a flood of terrible memories flood the darkness of my room and it’s almost as though I’m engulfed in the nightmare of my own childhood. I remember my step dad creeping into my bedroom, I don’t necessarily remember what he did, but I remember him doing things to me while i stared up at a big framed tacky looking picture of Elvis Presley on the wall….just hoping that he would finish the painful acts that he was doing and go to sleep. Sometimes half asleep he would force me to go to the bathroom and perform acts on him, and then tell me to brush my teeth and get back to bed!

Every morning I look in the mirror, brush my teeth and wash my face, there is a constant reminder of the trauma I had as a child. Although the accompanying flashbacks and nightmares can sometimes be fixed with medication, my physical reminders seem to taunt me every day. My broken nose is the most prominent of scars. As a child I was taunted so bad about my “big nose” and wish the kids would understand why I was crying when they made fun of me. Sometimes I wanted to scream… “No, I wasn’t born like this! My step dad used to beat my ass!” Sometimes I feel crazy and wonder if I’m making all of these memories up in my head, but a recent trip to a facial reconstructive surgeon reassured the truth to my memories. After a brief examination of my nose, there was evidence found of a past nasal fracture and a deviated septum. A few months back I applied to get my nose fixed by a charity that provides free reconstructive surgery to victims of domestic abuse. Although my abuse happened as a child, they decided to try and help. I have done all I can by getting help by seeing a psychiatrist, therapist and taking a crazy dose of medications each day, but that can only do so much for my emotional pain. No longer do I fantasize about dying and my anxiety attacks are down to a minimum… But I’m hoping that this charity can help me with most of the fees that come along with helping me on the journey to erase the PHYSICAL reminders of my child hood and the monster that took my innocence. Keep your fingers crossed that I can get approved to go through with the surgery. I am ready to heal. All of me.